Dear Dr. Wilson, "Now that our 2-year-old son is talking, he's become stubborn and defiant. He says 'no' to almost everything we ask him to do, regardless how simple or reasonable. What's happened to my sweet little boy?"

Dr. Wilson:
My daughter did the same thing, sometimes saying "no" five or more times in succession. But, not to fear. There's a reason why children pass through this particular stage. Your son's brain is developing, especially the frontal lobe. First, he realized you still exist when you are out of his sight, and he is now able to experience himself as separate from you. Keep this in mind - it makes it easier to tolerate his contrariness when you remind yourself it's a healthy manifestation of growing up. The good news: what goes along with his clearer sense of self is the awareness that he's not the only one with feelings and needs.

Meanwhile, here are some ideas to deal with your child's newly found independence without getting in the way of his healthy development. First and foremost, don't take it personally. His refusal to cooperate is not because he doesn't like you any more, or because you've spoiled him rotten. Validate his feelings through emotion coaching: "I know you're upset with Mommy because you want to run ahead, but you must stay close to me to stay safe." Even if your son remains uncooperative, and even though he doesn't get the concept of personal safety, eventually your explanation will help him regulate his feelings and impulses, as well as follow the rules.

Second, don't become dictatorial and overrule your son every time he says "no." This would not only thwart his growing independence, but frustrate him to the point he might become habitually negative, or even aggressive. Hence, look for some times when your son's "no's" are acceptable so you can help him develop his sense of being an independent child with his own likes and opinions. Examples: "Do you want to give Grandma a big hug goodbye?" "Would you like to watch Barney on television?" "Want the other half of the banana?"

Here are some other tips that we at FRNW find helpful.

• Don't expect your child to be cooperative 24/7. It's not only unrealistic, you set yourself up for chronic frustration and disappointment.
• Notice the times he's most stubborn and try to make his cooperation fun. If he hates getting dressed, sing a song together while he does it.
• Build in extra time for the tasks your child resists, and give him a "heads up" when time is running short. "Five minutes before we need to get your shoes on." "Three minutes before we need to leave for the store."
• Sidestep the naysaying by offering a choice. "Would you like to get in the car seat now, or after we sing the A-B-C song?"
• Use effective praise. Water the flowers and not the weeds with comments like "I really appreciate it when you get in the car seat as quickly as you just did!"

Understanding child development is crucial whether your child is saying "no" to your every request, experimenting with pleasuring himself by touching his private parts, or demanding a later curfew. These are all signs he's developing normally. Knowledge and patience will get you through some challenging times.

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